


Counting the Days

by ELISE_ELEVEN



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: But with a happy ending, F/M, Family Healing, Fix-It of Sorts, Force Dyad (Star Wars), Force Ghost(s), Mother-Son Relationship, POV Ben Solo, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Redeemed Ben Solo, The Force, a little sad, the skywalkers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21998851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ELISE_ELEVEN/pseuds/ELISE_ELEVEN
Summary: Time doesn't pass the same there, Rey. It all runs together, all blurring together and dreamlike, not like here; when every moment is sharp and too real. One day, you'll join me there, where nothing exists that could ever separate us again. And though it will be nearly a lifetime, I'll live every moment with the hope that you'll stand by my side again. And still I'll be counting the days.Ben Solo's adventures in Force Heaven while he waits for Rey to finally join him, when the two will finally become one again.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	1. Day Two in Force Heaven

Day Two in Force Heaven 

There’s a patch of violets on the hill above the temple. Up there, the wind is cool and smells like the sky. While the others talk and exchange stories in the shadow of the marble halls, I climb. My mother hasn’t seen any of them in so long. I know she has too much to say to her father. It will take many more quiet sunny days like this one before all can be put to rest. 

Tomorrow, I’ll join them. But today I need to be alone. 

My body does not tire. It can’t. I walk and I walk up the steepest of slopes and my pace never falters. Not once do I stop to catch my breath, to stretch my muscles. I only pause to admire the view. My skin isn’t warm and my heart doesn’t race. Its… unsettling. And, because this place is so vibrant and alive, it is only then that I remember that I am not, that I have no heart at all. 

I pluck a whole handful. It doesn’t matter. Nothing ever dies here. Tomorrow there will be just as many violets on this hill as there always has been, and will be until eternity takes its last breath. They’re like velvet between my fingers, deep and refracting a whole different spectrum of rainbow light. 

At first, I think I’ll give them to Rey. But then I remember; I’m not allowed to visit Rey very often… The Force has made it clear that I don’t belong there anymore, that the living are sperate from the dead for a reason. Even here, I think with a smirk, there are rules. Begrudgingly though, I know the Force is right that it is better for us both. Rey and I are a part of different worlds now, and I am only allowed to visit when there’s a great need… Her need. Not mine. I need her all of the time... 

As I look out at the sky that needs no sun to be bright, and no moon or stars to make the heavens glow at night, I close my eyes. I reach out toward the world beyond, the world of the living. I can always feel her. Its like… in the tender space inside me where my soul lives, there’s another presence beside mine. But I can’t always know what she’s thinking or feeling or doing. 

But now, I behind the darkness of my eyelids, I reach out further. I feel her. I do not see her, though I could. But I sense her warmth, her life. And when I feel her breathe, I smile a little, because she’s just falling asleep right now, and I can, at least, be with her in her dreams. 

I can’t give them to Rey, but I decide I’ll take the violets down to my mother. She’ll smile, like she did when I was a child. I think it will be nice to make her smile again, after all the grief I’ve put her through… “That wasn’t you.” She reminds me, “And now that person is gone.” 

It’s strange. I don’t think I’m used to it yet; not just being one with the Force, but being myself again, being Ben. When I arrived yesterday, I thought it might be awkward. Surely someone was going to make the comment that there must be some mistake; I don’t really belong here. But Mom was waiting for me at the door and we walked in together.


	2. Day Four in Force Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Want to ride one?” He suddenly asks, face alighting with mischief.   
> “Is that even possible?” The beasts are huge with rounded backs and tiny legs. It doesn’t look like a comfortable seat. But Grandfather is persistent. He takes in my dubious expression and waves away my reluctance.   
> “I just happen to be an expert.” And he drags me along into the waving grass.

Day Four in Force Heaven

My grandfather claps me on the shoulder. Its just after we’ve finished breakfast and I stand beside one of the temple’s great pillars, the breeze strong and a warm light on my face. 

He’s shorter than I had imagined. He’s shorter than me! I almost laugh. When I was little, the Galaxy spoke of him as an imposing force of pure evil, more a god than a man, and more fearsome. Even when Uncle Luke briefly spoke of him, he was still larger than life. And now here he is, looking up at me and smiling broadly. He has light hair and lighter eyes. I always wondered if we looked anything alike. It turns out we don’t; me with my black hair and pale skin. My grandmother had dark eyes too. That’s what he told me when I arrived, hand in hand with my mother. “You have her eyes.” 

We haven’t really spoken since then. There’s so much I want to ask… so much wish he would explain. He probably can’t any better than I can explain all the things I’ve done. 

“Come on”, he says, a laugh in his voice. “There’s something I want to show you.” 

What are they? In a field nestled between hills, out of sight from the temple’s high ceilings, a large heard of strange beasts are grazing. Grandfather tells me before I have a chance to ask. They are called Shaak. There was a heard of them on Naboo, he recalls. His eyes go distant and my gaze falls to the grass at my feet. 

“Want to ride one?” He suddenly asks, face alighting with mischief. 

“Is that even possible?” The beasts are huge with rounded backs and tiny legs. It doesn’t look like a comfortable seat. But Grandfather is persistent. He takes in my dubious expression and waves away my reluctance. 

“I just happen to be an expert.” And he drags me along into the waving grass. 

I can’t help it. I laugh harder than I have since I was a child, until my chest is heaving and tears gather in the corners of my eyes. He looks so ridiculous up there, balancing on bloated creature as it kicks its back legs in protest. It’s hard to think of him as my grandfather, seeing him like this; so young looking and childlike. He’s laughing too. “Come on, Ben!” 

I am not going to get on one of those things! 

I stay on its back for approximately three seconds. Then I’m promptly bucked off backwards and land face-first in the damp grass. “Ben!” I hear footsteps. He’s running. Then he falls to his knees beside me. “Ben!” 

I’m grinning from ear to ear when I turn over, but I pause when I see his face. He looks worried. Did he think I’d been hurt? His face is serious, and when we lock eyes, I see the old man behind them, who lived most of his life without his family, living with all the horrible things he’d done. There’s concern, but there’s also guilt there too. Why didn’t you come; I want to ask. Why didn’t you come when I needed you, when the metal floors bit into my knees as I clutched my chest in pain, too torn apart to even cry? But I don’t ask, and the moment passes. Grandfather offers me a hand up and we walk side by side back down the hill toward the temple. 

Just before we reach the outer gardens, he turns off down a path through thick shrubbery. I pause for a moment, then follow. The light of the sky is dimming, drawing close to dark. There’s a statue back beneath the willow trees. Its carved of white marble, draped in circlets of ivy, face lifted to the sky. I gape up at her. I know her. 

Padme…

“I carved it myself.” He says simply. I cannot keep tears from welling in my eyes. 

“Grandmother.” She was beautiful. She stands strong and proud, graceful in a way most of the women I have ever known never were. I would have liked her; I think. I don’t know, but I hope she would like me too. 

When I turn my head, Grandfather is looking at me. Now there’s so much more than guilt in his eyes. Pain. Wistfulness. Apology. Sadness. Love. “I wish you had known her”, he says. “She would have been so proud of you… just as I am.” 

Uncertain, my eyes fall to the ground beneath my feet. I’m not sure what there is to be proud of. The corner of my mouth quirks as I respond; “I only ever wanted to finish what you started…” Then let out a breathy laugh.

“I know.” And then again. “I know.” My gaze finds his eyes. “I was listening.” Nodding, he whispers. “And you did. You did what I never could.” I swallow, uncomfortable. But Grandfather draws near. “You were able to save the one you loved, even unto death.”

Rey 

My heart hurts. It’s squeezing too hard. “I wish you had known her…” I’m stare down at my toes. 

A warm hand suddenly on my shoulder. “Oh, I will.” He grins. “I can’t wait to meet her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love grandpa and grandson bonding! Don't mind me, I'll just be crying in the corner. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Please let me know your thoughts.


	3. Day Ten in Force Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My mother’s eyes are surprisingly dark as she gazes at the strange bluish glow of the sky. She doesn’t look at me when she replies, but her expression grows stronger as I watch, braver. “I take it one day at a time. Just like I always have.” 
> 
> “One day at a time, huh?” I muse, snorting a little. I’m already counting the days.

Day Ten in Force Heaven

I miss Rey! I miss her so much! It hurts; everything hurts… 

Pain wasn’t supposed to be possible here, so why do I feel like soul is being ripped to pieces? It feels worse than dying. I thought emotions this powerful wouldn’t be possible here. I mean, hadn’t Uncle Luke always warned about the dangers letting your feelings take over control? But turns out the Force isn’t like that at all. 

My mother finds me on the balcony, under the sky that is simultaneously dark and glowing. She runs her fingers through my hair, and this time I don’t pull away. I did when I was a boy, always embarrassed when she showed any sign of affection, feeling guilty that I could never return them; but she slides her warm fingers across my scalp as she sits down beside me, tugging at it playfully the next moment. 

We both stay silent. This night is perfect. It’s always perfect. Everything is perfect here, and sometimes- even though I know I shouldn’t- I hate it. I can’t help feeling wrong here, like really, I don’t belong. I’m not perfect. I know now that, even after a thousand days in this serene paradise, I never will be. 

I make no effort to hide my tears from her. She understands. I can tell by the way she looks at me sometimes, that she wishes Dad were here. I do too. I can already hear his grumblings and comments about the lack of action and excitement here, but I wish he had the chance to see this place. After a life of running and fighting, I know he’d appreciate the peace this place holds.

I suppose I should be grateful, that I fell in love with someone equal to me in the Force, because I know I’ll be with her someday. Mother will never have that… But I suppose she knew that going into it; you don’t choose who your heart wants. I should be grateful. But I’m not. I just want her here, now, and then forever. Of course, I don’t want her to die. That’s my life coursing through her veins and I want it to stay there for quite a while before it returns to me. But I miss her so much…

Mom keeps her hands in my hair, and when the tears begin to fall, she tucks my head against her shoulder. “Shhhhh”, she hums. “It’s alright, Sweetheart. You can let it out.” I know she loved Rey too. But we’re the ones who are dead; why does it feel like we’re mourning her? 

“Have you seen her?” I ask, through quivering lips. The Force hasn’t allowed me to go back yet, my connection to that place being still too strong. But maybe my mother has been granted more freedom. 

She takes a moment before replying; “Yes.” Pulling away, I fix my eyes on hers, hope somehow blooming in my chest. 

“How is she? Is she alright?”

Mom brushes a tear from the corner of my eye and tucks a few stray strands of black out of my face. “She’s alright, Son. But she misses you, terribly. I’m afraid things are going to be very difficult for both of you for a while.”

And then I’m sobbing again. How can anything hurt this badly?! Groaning, I swipe my hands down my face. THIS is why I purposefully kept myself from forming any attachments or falling in love for most of my life. There’s no cure for heartache. 

But it was worth it… That year of torment since I first met her, as I tried to deny the light growing inside my and the way my heart was slowly binding itself to hers. And then, those few glorious moments, when she opened her eyes and she was in my arms, real and solid and smiling at me. And then put her hand on my cheek and she called me by my name, and she kissed me; and the rest of the world ceased to exist. THAT; that was worth it. 

“How am I supposed to go on without her? How do you do it?” 

My mother’s eyes are surprisingly dark as she gazes at the strange bluish glow of the sky. She doesn’t look at me when she replies, but her expression grows stronger as I watch, braver. “I take it one day at a time. Just like I always have.” Then she turns to face me. “We may be separated from Rey, from your father, but having you- and Anakin and Luke- here with me is all the comfort I need.”

“One day at a time, huh?” I muse, snorting a little. I’m already counting the days. 

Chuckling and ruffling my hair, Mom ducks for a kiss that lands partially on my ear. I shake my head, wiping my ear with mock indignance. “You’ve always had trouble being patient, Little Starfighter.” A grin curls her lips. “But some things are worth waiting for.”


	4. Day Thirteen in Force Heaven

Day Thirteen in Force Heaven 

Today I go to see Uncle Luke. I find him on the lawn behind the temple, gazing up at its many domed roofs. It reminds me of the temple he built when I was a boy, one I helped craft and then had a hand in destroying. I wish I could understand what really happened that night. It’s all a blur. I hadn’t wanted to hurt anyone, hadn’t wanted to tear down everything that we had been working for so many years. I suppose it doesn’t matter. It is in the past, from a life before. But it still feels like it matters…

We haven’t talked- really talked since… well since two days before the night I found him in my hut and the temple burned. He was worried about me, I know. I was worried too. Unable to eat, barely able to sleep, I roamed the hills outside the school grounds, avoided all the other students; especially Master- Uncle Luke. I felt too guilty around him, like I had betrayed him with the darkness ripping away at my mind, and that he might somehow find out. I could never be what he needed me to be; the face of the new Jedi, the new hope for the generation. No one really saw me that way… only him.

“Ben”, he had said on that warm summer evening, when he’d taken me aside at the meditation rock that overlooked the school and temple. “I sense unease in you. You could barely concentrate today in training.” He was always sensing things about me. And hated it. “Are you still having trouble with the other students?” When I didn’t respond, he continued. “Have you spoken to your mother recently? She’s been worried about you.” 

The truth was that I hadn’t, and it had been a long time since I’d returned one of her holo-messages. I had tried to contact my dad, just the night before. I needed help; I knew that. But I couldn’t go to Mom, not when she’d probably tell Luke everything. So, I’d tried contacting Dad, but he never responded, not until it was too late. 

He’d made me meditate. I sat cross-legged on the mediation rock and closed my eyes. Uncle Luke took on of my hands and placed it on the stone beside me. “Breathe”, he encouraged, “just breathe. Now reach out.” And I did reach out. And then my heart sunk, because all I could feel was the angry darkness, swirling around me. The light was still there, somewhere off in the distance, but the dark was a stormy black wall between us. 

I closed my mind. 

Uncle Luke sat down beside me. We quietly watched the groups of students finish their training and hurry towards the dining hall. He didn’t speak for a long while. “When I am gone, you will inherit this school. You will be the Master, and it will be your job to guide these Jedi into the future. They need you Ben.” I had met his eyes then, searching and concerned. “I know thing have been rough for you lately, but soon there will be nothing left for me to teach you, and you’ll graduate into a true Jedi. And someday, you’ll take on a Padawan of your own.” After a pause, he continued with more caution. “You’re going to inherit all of this one day. Not just the legacy of this school and the new Jedi Order, but the legacy of our family. I need to be sure you understand the responsibly you have.” It always came down to that with him; not what I was, but who I would be. What I was, was terrified and falling apart from the inside. As for what I would become; I was more afraid of that than anything… 

So, I nodded, just as I always did, just as he wanted me to, and ran away to be alone in my hut, with my thoughts and my calligraphy tools- the only things that made sense. 

Now, Luke reclines on the warm grass, a pile of scrolls and books all around him. I’ve been avoiding him ever since I arrived, and I think he’s noticed because I’ve caught him watching me from a distance several times. Maybe he’s been waiting to me to make the first move, to come to him. And maybe I should have come sooner. 

“I’ve been thinking of making some changes to the exterior of the temple.” He has a parchment in his lap covered with sketches and notes, as well as patterns to the huge structure looming before us. Cautiously, I take a seat beside him, bringing my knees up to my chest. 

“Are you sure you’re allowed to do that?” I ask, glancing down at his sketches. 

“Where do you think made this place in the first place? This one was designed by Obi-Wan’s master Qui-Gon Jinn.” I’ve seen Uncle Luke interacting with the other Jedi. I’d briefly met a few of them, but I mostly keep to myself and my family. I still can’t quite feel like I belong here yet. 

“I’ve been slowly renovating this place over the past year”, Luke explains. I feel a smile creeping across my lips before I realize what I’m doing. 

“I thought it looked familiar. It kind of looks like the old temple.” 

His eyes shift from me to the huge structure, then back to me. “You know, you’re right.” He lets out a sharp bark of laughter. “I hadn’t even noticed, to intended to do that… but I guess our design really was the best.”

With a snort, I shake my head. “It ought to be after working on it for over a year. And that was before we even started building!” He chuckles and his gaze drifts away, but mine stays fixed on his face. I’d missed this; just us talking. It’s just like the old days. But it feels like a thousand years have passed since that time. 

He seems to notice me starring, because he finally turns his head and meets my eyes. “Uncle- Uncle Luke-.” I start, then falter. I have no idea how to say all the things that I need him to know, to understand. 

He had said he was sorry back on Crait. He didn’t look sorry then; he does now. I’m sorry too. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do when I tell him. But he and I both know about doing things that are hard. That’s how we got here.

“Don’t worry, Ben. All is forgiven.” It’s more of a relief than I’d imagined, hearing him say those words. His hand is warm and heavy on my shoulder. “As long as you can find it in your heart to forgive me too.” A few glistening tears, well in his eyes. I haven’t seen him cry since I was a very small boy, and I accidently walked in on him weeping in his room, while clutching a melted scrap of plastic. I didn’t know until now, that must have been a piece of Anakin Skywalker he’d carried with him his whole life. 

“Of course.” And I do. 

“You know, I was thinking”, He says, settling back to lean on his hands. “Maybe you’d like to help me with the renovations. I mean, I never would have figured out the plumbing problem without you.” A small smirk lights up his face. “Unless you’re too busy.” 

When I look over, he’s grinning from ear to ear. I shake my head, smiling myself. “You’ve seen my routine. What do you think?” 

For a moment his eyes go distant, eyebrows furrowing. 

“What is it?”

“It’s just…” He bites his lip. “There’s something else I’m sorry about…” 

“Oh?” 

“Rey…” Oh. How the just the sound of her name sends a thousand conflicted emotions through the cracks of my shattered heart. “I this can’t be easy for either of you. I wish there was a way you hadn’t been forced to make such sacrifices.” I don’t look at my uncle. If I do, I know I’ll cry. “Its because of the failures of those who came before- us- who brought this threat upon you. We should have done better. We should have protected you.” 

“Ben…” His hand is on my arm again. “You two deserved to be together. After all you’ve been through, you deserved at least that much. I wish I could have give that to you.” Slowly I bring my hand up to grip my uncle’s. It means more than I can say that he understands. He knows why I did what I did, that I did it for Rey, just as I know that he gave himself up on Crait for her and Mom, and me.

Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I nod, still avoiding his eyes. He gives me a moment, then patting me on the arm a few times, rises to his feet. “Come on, kid. I’ve got a few ideas to the big tower on the other side.” He extends a hand to me, and for a moment I just stare at it. Then I clasp the weathered skin and allow him to pull me to my feet. Luke lets out an exaggerated grunt, as if its causing him great effort, which I know it isn’t. 

“I was thinking some kind of big round window that will reflect the pool beneath it exactly.” He explains as he guides me through the gardens, to the other side of the temple. “Kind of like a mirror.” We pause beneath the tower to look up. 

“What if we made if of multicolored Kyber Crystal? Do they have that here?” 

Uncle Luke grins. “They have anything you can imagine here! And that’s an excellent idea! See…” He claps me on the back with surprising force. “I knew it was a good idea to put you to work, instead of letting you sit around on your ass all day.” 

“Oh, right…” My voice drips with sarcasm. “I’ve only been here for thirteen days!" There’s a strange expression on his face, a mux of sadness and pity. But I pretend not to notice. “I mean, don’t I get a break? I couldn’t save the Galaxy and rebuild an entire Force temple in one week.” 

“Yes, Ben. I think you could…”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just sad and need more Ben Solo. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think.


End file.
